Despondency Act 1: Edicius Dream


Suicide eyes dilated,
a lonely birthday cake –
hope old friend
my catacomb heart mourned.



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111 thoughts on “Despondency Act 1: Edicius Dream

    1. This short poem produced itself into a dream that felt too real.

      ‘Edicius’ if you didn’t catch on means: ‘Suicide’

      When I was absent from blogging many nightmares got the best of me. This poem being the pinnacle
      of how much dreams are stronger and we all struggle to fight such bad energies.

      I saw my future as an old man – or at least. The idea of being alone in this world or dying alone is horrible.
      Depression & Anxiety factor in the mix of how these false futures tend to drain one from actually seeing the good.
      I cried extensively and the moment which is now is something to appreciate and never take it for granted.

      1. Charlie,
        Depression is something many suffer with and few understand. It’s a dark place and when you’re there, no amount of sunshine can pull you out. Answers to how we find the light are inside us and we have to be able to be kind to ourselves and gently coax ourselves out of the darkness.
        Writing is an unending tool to help us do that.
        Your poetry digs deep into the psyche and this one in particular is merely a stripping down of your soul and laid bare for you and others to better see and understand.
        I see pathways too, false ones real ones potential ones not yet decided. They are laid out, Charlie by you always have a choice as to which way you’ll turn and how you will traverse down that pathway.
        You won’t be alone.
        You have a very bright light within, move it out of the dark corner and place in your centre to light the whole space within.
        Many love filled embraces.


        1. You’re right.

          The dark at times takes hostage of my dream, however, I try to overcome it with light in such a fight
          that I’m feeling stronger than dark itself. Putting darkness in its balance with light doesn’t come easy.

          Thank you so much for your amazing advice and I’ll cherish it because it will help me if I start to feel depressed.

    1. Thank you, Bojana.

      The poem produced itself with a dream that I think we all experience to be hyper-real.
      I saw myself as an old man lonely on earth and walking around cities with no one around.

      The idea of one dying alone in the world is heartbreaking. Depression & Anxiety are the enemies of ourselves that we all fight to keep our minds at balance. When I had these nightmares ‘Edicius’ came to such contemplation. ‘Edicius’ meaning ‘Suicide’. We all need to listen to one another and be there for that person who needs hope in their heart. A hug and telling them everything will be okay, I promise.

    1. Thank you.

      Normally, anyone would be against exposing their true emotions on blogging or other platforms.
      In this case, the exception was needed.

      Ever since the loss of my grandpa and mother in law…my depression & anxiety has driven my nightmares of death to full extremes. I try my best to fight within my dreams these energies of death and become stronger than them. Sometimes fighting off the dark can be successful, other times not so much. It all comes down to balance.

      This poem was based on my future self as an old man being lonely with no friends or family and dying alone. That is what hit my heart and its a sad feeling for one to even imagine a future.

      1. Charlie, I am so sorry to hear about that. I know pain and I went through a lot.

        “Normally, anyone would be against exposing their true emotions on blogging or other platforms.”

        Who says that? Remember Charlie, you are a great poet. You are called to express emotions.
        Dying alone.. well.. I am going to say just that: your poetry will always live. Know that Charlie.

        1. Thank you.

          The experience of death took a toll.
          That’s why I do experimental poems because I’m trying to fight off dark forces around me and send them to other places where they become trapped within that paradox.

          Sometimes it works sometimes not…but I do fight the good fight and have to see the positive in the moment and savior the future of what is good.

          1. The death of my mother (too soon) took an unbelievable toll on me Charlie. For two years I was a zombie. Now, my father is not well. I am paralyzed by the thought I may lose him too.
            Yet, like you, I fight to good fight.
            What else can I do?

            1. I’m so sorry for your loss my friend.
              My girlfriend also took cries everyday for her mom. It’s never going to be the same or not going to get easier.

              I’m so sorry to hear your father is not doing well. You, my girlfriend and I, share the exact worries of such a future.

              And your right, what else can we do? Fight the dark forces is all we can do.

              1. I do not know, Charlie. Some people take things easier. Apparently we are not in that category.
                Continue to write beautiful poetry, Charlie. You are one of my favorites poets and it’s always a pleasure to read you.

                1. Bless you my friend…I’m always here if you need a friend to talk to. I’ll continue writing as much as I can.

                  You are such a talented and intellectual poet. It’s always good to read your work and feel inspired.

    1. The line ‘Hope old friend’ was based on a dream I had of myself in the future as an old man being alone
      and dying alone which is the most terrible thing to imagine such a future.

      Then again, the poem was meant for anyone to relate or know someone who is going through such.

      That was the idea and the point. Our dreams sometimes get stronger through depression that we have to overcome those dark energies. Dreams feel to real and often that’s more scarier than what is out there in the cosmos.

          1. It won’t be like that. There are all these threads that bind. They’re weak of you try to break it. But They’re usually too enigmatic and escape the perpetual possibility of destruction. When these threads are absent, You’re usually sedated in a dreamless sleep. Visions are hardly what they show.

  1. This is a haiku , Charlie. I am too overwhelmed to say anything but this one is loaded and so evocative. So many visuals spring to mind .
    I just want to give you a hug and I am happy you are here. We are never alone as long as we are here. Thank you for being here, Charlie.

    1. More like Micro poetry. I’m not good at Haiku but if it helps maybe this counts as one?

      Awww…hugs to you as well. And thank you so much.

      This poem really got to me and I feel better sharing it with everyone here on WordPress. You’re right we are not alone.

      1. Yeah, you are right .. micro poetry or a micro poem, I felt the surge of a haiku as I read. Seen and felt !
        I feel like reading it again. Going to do just that.
        See you , poet.

    1. This was a dream I had about myself in the future as an old man who is lonely and is scared to die alone.

      A mixture of depression and anxiety that’s been building on me for some time. 2 years ago now, I’ve lost 2 very important people in my life and it took a huge toll on the idea of death haunting my dreams.

        1. Amen.

          No matter how one controls to ward off dark forces or using the dream world as a trap fence. Those evil energies find their way in to create this non-existent world for us and gets the best of us and makes us feel miserable.

  2. This is so many things, heartbreaking, beautiful, fearfulness of, the relentless ongoings of life:.. all captured within these few, incredibly perfect words. Wow. I was really touched by this.

    1. Thank you.

      I felt something bothering my heart and the thought of the future is scary. Or the thought of dying alone is scarier.
      I don’t know which is more terrifying.

      I’m so glad you enjoyed this short write.
      There’s plenty more like this that I have produce and you’ll enjoy them as well.

      P.S I am currently following your page.
      Hope you follow mine as well do get updates. I’ll be stopping by to read your work. 🙂

      1. Thank you so much for this honest reply. I’ve had moments where I’ve been seized by this kind of terror, so I can relate. But, I think that each time I go through this, the next time is a little less intense. So, I really hope this is the same for you. I’m really sorry you are going through this.

        The poetry you have created out of this experience is truly stunning, and I will definitely be reading more of your work. Appreciate you following me, too.

            1. P.S Can you do me a favor? You talk to ‘The lonely Author’, right? I’ve been trying to comment on his post and he doesn’t seem to receive my messages. Can you tell him I’ve been trying to get a hold of him. And to check his spam box? This has happen before. Please?? Thank you.

  3. A deep Labyrinth is sorrow
    . . . as grief defies all belief
    in a bright, Sun shining tomorrow.
    Well encapsulated for a brief swallow
    that opens up the length and breadth.
    For life is a privilege most hallowed.

      1. I do have backwards vision, Charlie.
        From listening for the vinyl backmasking
        on all those 1970’s recordings.
        I can now accurately predict events . . .
        just after they happen 😎

  4. Friggin darkly perfect to capture the subject
    Damn good
    And make my birthday cake lemon, then it can be as bitter as my feelings on those loathsome celebrations!

    “A cheer
    A cake
    Balloons rain
    With glitter flakes
    The room for one
    For ceremonial sake
    As the singular guest
    With a razor, window or a rope
    Plans their ultimate escape”

    1. I needed to take my writing into a different heartfelt, & truthful reality direction.

      I really love your feedback and honesty.
      The poem you wrote is incredible and fits perfect with my short poem.

      There’s more and plenty of what I just wrote here. Stay tune.

        1. Thank you so much my friend.

          Trust me…on Monday all this Month, I’ll be posting very harsh truth and it all comes from my own experience and what others can relate to. And I wrote some short experimental stuff on the side as well. Just to give things some balance.

    1. Thank you, Resa.

      These are many poems that I’ve written and lots more. Including the one I send you and the one we collaborated in the street art as I’ll post it in here soon, along with us being credit. 🙂

  5. Edicius came knocking upon my own door once upon a time Charlie..
    Thankfully I didn’t let him enter.. even though he got his foot caught in the door.
    I was given the strength to push him out and bolt that door..
    He peeps in through the window now and again..
    But I pull the blinds down.. and turn on the LIGHT Within my friend..

    So my heart feels the words written here Charlie..
    KNow you are LOVED.. 💜🌈💚 by many..
    And its great when we finally begin to love ourselves.. ❤

    1. You’re right. I must be strong to do away with these dark forces that are trying to make their way in my mind.

      Sometimes, I have my highs and lows…I’m able to beat those negativity away and it helps. Staying and having a positive mind helps to keep myself strong and moving forward.

      My writing needs to take a different direction for the meantime. I’ve been writing short poems that have a clear and direct meaning. This is just the first of many poems I have and will post all this month. 🙂

    1. Yes, it did come from loss of my grandpa and my mother-in-law 2 years ago.

      My mood is all over the place but I’m trying to keep it at a balance.

      Thank you for reading and what I can pour my deepest soul into my work.

      oh…in case your wondering about the title ‘Edicius’ its backward for ‘Suicide’.

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